Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fido the Fink

Written in April 2005

After months of dating with my boyfriend and I, both of us still living at home we thought we had the art of avoiding the parents perfected. But, the minute we started to get comfortable, we got careless.

When it came to making out we had learned that if we left the television on, we could make out safely on the couch with no worries about noise. As thing started to get more intense as we dated longer, I could not get the image of his mother or father walking down the stairs catching us mid-grope. I started to get wierded out by the knowledge that the parents were just a flight of stairs away.

We began to argue about it, he called me a dead fish one night. Because instead of being in the heat of passion, like he was, I was dead still thinking that every noise I heard was the garage door opening with his younger brother walking in.

Finally, we were smart enough to make our way to the basement. Two flights of stairs separating us from the parents. (Thinking back, I actually cannot believe that it took us that long to think of it?)

One night he and I got into a fight. Typical affair for a young fiesty couple. Well, it was late into the night before the whole affair was finally settled, and I was exhausted. He offered to let me sleep over with the similar clause on the offer as always, I had to sleep in a separate bed from himself, (parents rules). Those crazy catholic parents, they think that sleeping together means sex. Well, in our case it did, so I guess that they were not wrong to put that stipulation on it.

Anyway, after making up, (best part of fighting), we laid on the couch even more exausted than before the fight, both of us were falling asleep. I nudged him to wake up, I was totally paranoid about those crazy catholic parents finding us sleeping together in the morning. He woke up and grunted that we were both fully clothed again and that there was nothing to worry about, just two innocent adults sleeping on a couch together snuggling. So, I fell asleep.

Early the next morning I heard his dog come down the stairs. I petted him and when he started to lick my face I shooed him away, I needed more sleep. Finally, he left, I was wide awake. I decided to get dressed and sneak home before anyone knew that we were even sleeping on the couch in the basement. I sucessfully made it out, no one knew any better, or so I thought!

Later that afternoon, I received a call from him. He and his mother had been talking, she had let the dog out earlier that morning. She continued to tell him that while she was making coffee the dog had found its way to the basement. She hurried down to make sure that he did not wake either of us, surprised as she was to see us both on the couch. Anyway, she managed to get the dog back up stairs but, as she began to finish making the coffee, the dog kept nudging her leg for her to play with him. She looked down and realized that the dog had something in his mouth, figuring it was a toy she started to tug at it. Finally, she got the "toy" out of his mouth and was about to toss it back for the dog to fetch and realized what it was... a condom.

Hearing this story on the phone was probably no less horrifying than hearing it come from your own mother. I do not think that I spoke for about two minutes and when I finally did open my mouth the words that managed to make their way out was "Oh my God." (Great time to invite God into this… right!)
He said that his mom was ok was being cool about it, but I could not help but think that the next time I went over to his house I would have a big A pinned on my shirt.

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