Thursday, September 29, 2011

Single gal vacation? Sad or relaxing?

Something to consider?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Broken English Bulgarian and Oversexualized Steve

Due to the sticky situation that I have participated in longer than I'd like to admit, I have taken up the fun sport of internet dating again.  Since my last experiences and an overall improvement in emotional health I believe that I am more prepared for my upcoming experiences.  I started back with a free site, probably not the "safest" idea.  Most free dating websites have a reputation just being for hookups and filthy encounters.  I have gone on a few unsuccessful, yet tolerable dates which made it worth going back to.

So, the website is equipped with a fun little chat feature, which enables gentlemen to immediately communicate with you in real time.  My first gentleman chat was a non ugly looking fellow, who's grammar was poor.  There were several miscommnications during the chat.  When I started to sign off, the gent asked me for my phone number.  I'll admit being flattered, but more so, I was uncertain how I could say no.  So, I didn't, I gave him my phone number.  He started texting me almost immediately.  Again, miscommunications ensued.  I even accused him at one point of propositioning me for a booty call.  Well, the poor lad was utterly confused at this point, he couldn't figure out what I was talking about.  It took several more text messages to find out that the gentleman with the poor grammar was from Bulgaria and his broken English was not translating well in either instant message or text message.  Needless to say, I discontinued our "relationship."

I took another attempt at bat in the realm of internet dating.  So, I guess I should admit that I typically avoid the "pretty" guys.  I tend to talk more to the gentlemen with a couple more pounds to them and the ones who DO not have in their profile paragraphs describing their obsession with working out.  I tend to believe that it is better to end a convo with a geeky and uncertain guy rather than listen to an arrogant one talk about himself for far too long.  Well, tonight, I started talking to what I thought was a "normal" guy.  Ugh!!

We flirted, I busted his chops about something stupid, we exchanged banter.  As the conversation ensued, his suggestion and sexual innuendo became less veiled.  I was taken aback after this gentle man persistently asked me to come to his place.  When he was turned down, he offered phone sex.  I told him that I was old fashioned and if he didn't like he could move on, I was going to apologize.  So, he seemed to back off, and we were able to talk about other things.  Until, he asked for my phone number.... UMMMM.  Here I was again, did I learn from my previous phone number mishap, NO.  I gave him my digits.  He behaved for several text and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, unlike my previous phone encounter, but unfortunately, I should have been more careful.  At one point it even got so bad there was mention of a tongue and an often unmentionable special lady part.  I was uncomfortable.  I called him out one last time and he apoligized, he tried to explain that it could have been worse, I gave him one last chance (did I mention he was asking me out for the home opener of the bears game... my threshold for intolerable was raised).  The next after the apology read as follows, "craziest place u've had sex, fav position."  I ended the conversation immediately telling him that I am looking for a gentleman who has more in his conversational repertoire than the basest of all topics... sex.  I'm no prude, but seriously.

Can't wait for what else is out there.... 

Sunday, August 21, 2011


So, I finally started my big girl job after graduate school.  I loved the job, even better, I loved that finally I would be earning money again.  I had been living the life of a graduate student, back to eating ramen noodles and complex carbohydrates with no nutritional value or protein in sight.  But finally, oh finally I was back in to the world of earning! 

Friday was my first payday and I already had plans on how I was going to treat myself to a new handbag.  I admit to living a thrifty lifestyle for the past couple of years, and finally I was going to spend my money on something I wanted.  After I had deposited my check, I rushed to the department store to purchase the new handbag that I had set my sights on.  Unfortunately, I made the cardinal mistake in shopping, picking something out, setting my heart on something and then not buying it, inevitably, it wasn't there when I went to pick it up and nothing else measured up. 

I picked my chin up and decided that perhaps instead of a new hand bag, I could pick my spirits up with a new outfit to sport to the upcoming 'couples' wedding shower that I had to go to that night... alone.  (That's a story for another post)  If you are asking, yes I was in the wedding, so no there was no getting out of going to it.  Yes it was called a couple shower for a reason because all the games that were intended on being played all required a his/her team.  I would only have the her portion of the team and there would be no single gents in attendance.  Although I was in the wedding I clearly had nothing to do with the planning of the extremely considerate and welcoming event persons of all statuses.  Anyway...

After the great disappointment in the purse department, the women's clothing was quite the opposite, I found the perfect outfit... and it was on sale.  I bought everything, a new dress, a jacket, earrings and a new bra.  I was set!  I felt great, I even paid cash.  Things were looking up.  I knew even though I didn't have my new hand bag, at least I would have some armour to protect myself from the upcoming barrage of couples games that night.  I felt fabulous, I had money in the bank, a new out fit ready to be worn and a little extra courage that it brought with me. 

On the way back home to get ready for this shower, my car started jerking.  This was odd, my sweet car had never made that motion before.  Alarm shot through my head.  It was still running and going, but a funny smell was coming from the car.  For a while I was able to convince myself that the smell was just me sweating from shopping and excitement... denial anyone?  I continued driving but then my car refused to continue any further.  Ummm... CRAP CRAP CRAP!!

I ask you this question, what's worse than being single at a couple's shower... single with a broken down car!  I called up my best friend who's husband considers himself a car buff and clearly has far more knowledge about what's under the hood than anyone else I knew.  When I explained the symptoms he kept repeating the word transmission.  Even with no knowledge of cars, I knew that wasn't good.  He recommended not driving it... well great, cause it wasn't going to drive anyway!  I called the next best thing to a BF... AAA.  A tow truck was there about an hour later, all the while I was melting on the side of the road watching the time tick by counting down until I was supposed to be at this shower.  One might now beg to ask, could I have used this as an excuse to not go to the shower... no, as only one of three bridesmaids, I was going to be at my own personal hell if the last thing I did!

When the tow truck driver asked about what was wrong with the car so that he could let the mechanic know, he literally winced at the symptoms.  Winced. 

While he cautioned that he wasn't a mechanic he admitted that it didn't sound good.  Again the horrible word transmission was mentioned again.  Ugh.  The car was towed to the mechanic, I was towed back to my apt to get ready for the night. 

My first paycheck had been in the bank for less than twelve hours and already it appeared to be completely spoken for.  Thanks universe for that kick in the crotch... we'll talk again in two weeks!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Shades of gray

New Year's was a long time ago.  We have dabbled with being broken up, we have dabbled with being a couple, neither is perfect, but we tend to enjoy life a little more together than apart.  I suppose, that has to be enough for now.  He is still married, I still want more.  Things aren't so black and white.

Monday, January 18, 2010

n WHY e

It was NYE and I was doing battle with myself. My shame and my stomach were against me. I had spoken with my friend, but nothing was really resolved? I decided to resolve it myself. We were friends, nothing more. I could be an adult and pretend that the night before hadn’t happened right? Crap, I don’t think I had grown up that much in a day. Stupid holiday blues. Now I had to decide how I was going to spend my NYE.

My original plan was to spend it with my fabulous single gal pal hitting up the town, unfortunately, she was called back home to MI for a family emergency. So, now I had two choices, do I stay at home and go to sleep early having nursed my hangover, or to I go to the bar of shame. (While everyone reading this, and even as I write this, I SCREAM… no, don’t go to the bar. It’s like in a horror film when the lovely blonde opens the creaky bedroom door alone… insert scream here!!)

I put my party outfit on, and headed out for NYE. I spotted my friend and we made friendly eye contact, nothing more. I knew I still was unclear about our situation, I was confused, but I was going to keep it simple. There was absolutely no chance in hell of me getting drunk that night as I had just gotten over my hangover about 7 minutes before we had left for the bar, so I knew that I would at least have my sensibilities about me.

Midnight came and I sat with my roommate who was chatting up a gaggle of gentleman. She got a smack on the lips from one of them and I sat there content that I could handle the smell of beer without wanting to throw up. About five minutes later, my friend walked over and gave me a very chasted kiss on the lips wishing me a happy new year. Was my swoon noticeable? I sure hope not. He left to hang out with his friends, at his bar and I sat enjoying the atmosphere.

When the bar closed, people began filing out. My friend stopped me at the door and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends. It seemed very innocent, just friends. I could handle that, and we did just that. We hung out, all night. The group of us listened to music, we chatted, we laughed, sometimes we even danced. With each morning hour that passed, the group thinned. At 5 am there was only four of us left, a married couple and my friend and I. He and I at some point between 4 and 5am had moved closer to each other so just our sides were occasionally brushing up against each other. Between 5 am and 6 am, he had his arm around me, and was innocently kissing me on the lips every once in a while.

I looked up at him, while he had his arm around me, and told him that I wasn’t just using him for sex, as he had jokingly said earlier in the evening. He looked down at me with the most sincere eyes and said, “I know, after what you said last night, I know.”

Ummmmmm… What the hell did I say the night before. Once I had him in my bedroom last night, all memories ceased. (this was not inner monologue, I actually said that outloud.) He looked at me and seriously thought I was kidding. He asked me if I truly didn’t remember. I didn’t. He paused, and told me that I had told him that I loved him…

Huh!?! Ummm, were my ears burning, had I heard that correctly? Could my drunk self had known something that I didn’t know? Could my drunk self have betrayed my sober self so badly. Holy crap, was I the crazy drunk girl who told guys that she loved them?  I reacted poorly. I got angry. Not at him, but at me. I then asked, and what did you do then? He leaned in, close to my ear, and said, “I don’t know where we go from here and its taken me a while to get here, but I do know that I love you,” He continued, “I will always have a place in my heart for you.”

He was telling me that he loved me, but somehow it was coming out in the past tense. This was too much. WTF? I was angry. I was angry at myself for loosing control the night before, I was angry at myself for loosing control with him, and lastly I was angry at myself for getting caught up in this mess.

His friends finally left, and I was ready to leave myself. I was running on practically 24 hours without sleep and I had done battles with some pretty big demons that day. I was exhausted, and pissed off. I couldn’t process this. As we walked out to the car, he stopped me, and asked me what was wrong. Was he kidding, what was wrong?!?!?!  My inability to filter came into play and I just started babbling about how pissed off I was at myself. He asked me if I wanted to talk about all of this, I said yes, but not then, we drove to his place and went to sleep. I wish I had dreamt the past two days.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole

As far as friends go, this guy was turning out to be a pretty good one. He was always a good bar companion, he gave me great Christmas gifts, and was witty enough to keep me entertained. This was a strange gray area to navigate. I found myself at the bar on the eve of NYE. I had invited a couple of my friends from grad school to grab dinner with me. I had a bout with the holiday blues that day, and I needed a flirt fix. During our dinner my ‘buddy’ sat at the bar with some of his friends. I spent my dinner sporadically flirting with him, intentionally drawing him over to the table and flirting more.

Dinner ended and my friends left, but I had no intention of leaving. I needed that fix. One could compare my need to that of a drug addict. I knew that I would I would regret my decisions later, but oh how good it felt at the time. I continued to drink and throw all caution and care into the wind. It was like I was falling down the rabbit hole. Once I fell, the world just became a blurry world of drunk. I was functioning on my most primal levels.

Flirting soon became kissing, then an invitation back to my place was extended and accepted. I knew what I was doing, but the details were gone. Once I was in my place with him, a familiar situation, all memories disappeared.

I woke up with a start the next morning. I had to be at a funeral. A couple of days prior there was a death in my extended family. Crap. The headache I was feeling was tremendous. I laid awake looking at my friend. My stirring woke him up and we both just looked at each other. I suppose had I not been I such a hurry to kick him out of my bed to get ready for this funeral, it could have been more awkward. But, I didn’t have time for awkward. I had to get my ass in gear.

On the way to the funeral, I discovered that I was probably still a little drunk. I will admit that I was not very proud of myself at that moment in time, but again, I didn’t have time to condemn myself. Inside the church, I had to pull myself together and greet my parents and friends. My best friend and her boyfriend immediately called me out, telling me that I was exuding the smell of liquor. Great!!

The funeral began and so did the pounding in my head. Waves of naseau came and went. There was a battle between my hangover and my shameover for my stomach. Both, made me want to puke. Neither would go away. After the funeral, I quickly escaped the afternoon obligations. I needed McDonald’s fountain diet coke more than I had needed anything before in my life. After housing a 6 piece mcnugget and a large diet coke, I was feeling more like a human. I decided to man up and call my friend/lover/what?

Of course, he didn’t answer. I left him a painfully awkward message, I needed to figure out what the hell he was thinking. I needed us to be ok. Were we back together? Does sleeping with him mean that we were more than just friends? I had never had a casual relationship, and this was more than my simple brain could handle.

He called me back. I answered and I asked if we were ok. He replied of course. I never came right out and asked him what we were, but I left it at we were ok?? What?!?!

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I had to put the pub crawl behind me. It was a mistake and we were just going to be friends. This was going to be a challenge. I was dealing with a serious case of the holiday blues. The past couple of months had kicked my ass. Professionally, work was kicking my ass, personally I couldn’t pick myself up. I looked to my friends for help and all I could see was their diamond engagement rings or their cherub cheeked babies. I RSVP’d to my own pity party.

On the eve of Christmas Eve I stopped by the bar. I just wanted to chat with my ‘friend.’ During our adorable repartee, my friend mentioned in passing the he had Christmas gift for me. It caught me by surprise, and I tried to ignore it. After the third time that it was brought up, I knew that he wanted me to take notice. Crap, now I had to get him a gift. Shoot. What the hell was I supposed to get for my friend who had put thought into a Christmas gift for me? It was Christmas eve…. What the hell was I going to get. I was pissed, why did he have to buy me something?

Christmas Eve arrived and I was supposed to be at my parent’s house preparing for the holiday. I couldn’t spend time worried about what to buy this guy. I stopped at Walgreens to purchase tights, because that’s where I shop, and I thought, why not shop here for a gift? I took less than a minute to decide. On Thanksgiving, when my friend and I were seeing each other, he mentioned how little he liked Christmas. He said that he often felt that he put a great deal of thought into gifts for the people he cared about and in return he received stupid stuff that he didn’t need like socks and gift cards. How perfect, I purchased socks and a gift card! Christmas came and went, and I had wrapped my gift, not wanting to make the first move. This was his game, he had purchased me a gift first. He could text me to give me his present, I wasn’t going to call him. I didn’t have to wait long, his text came a couple of days after Christmas.

I met him at his bar, and he gave me his gift. Now, I’ll admit that I have never been a very good recipient of gifts. I unfortunately I've never had a poker face, I tend to show every thought or feeling that I have on my face, and often afterward those thoughts come out in words. Crap… now I was in the middle of a complicated situation and I had to open/give a gift.

I tore into the wrapping paper and opened up a lovely purple clutch. Oh my goodness, it was adorable. I was uncomfortable, how do I thank him appropriately, this was so weird. I awkwardly shoved my gift at him. He didn’t seem to be expecting a gift judging by his expression of surprise. I started to feel badly, I had bought him a snarky gift. I tried to explain my gift to him as he opened it, and he started laughing. He remembered that conversation and thought I was adorable, which was undeniable. He got it, he gave me a huge hug and definitely appreciated my snarkiness.

I sat and thought to myself, why had I ended things with him again? He understood me, he thought I was funny, and he knew things that I liked. Gosh, deep down inside, I knew that he was bad for me. The holiday blues were so thick that it was getting hard to remember why he was bad for me.