Sunday, January 17, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole

As far as friends go, this guy was turning out to be a pretty good one. He was always a good bar companion, he gave me great Christmas gifts, and was witty enough to keep me entertained. This was a strange gray area to navigate. I found myself at the bar on the eve of NYE. I had invited a couple of my friends from grad school to grab dinner with me. I had a bout with the holiday blues that day, and I needed a flirt fix. During our dinner my ‘buddy’ sat at the bar with some of his friends. I spent my dinner sporadically flirting with him, intentionally drawing him over to the table and flirting more.

Dinner ended and my friends left, but I had no intention of leaving. I needed that fix. One could compare my need to that of a drug addict. I knew that I would I would regret my decisions later, but oh how good it felt at the time. I continued to drink and throw all caution and care into the wind. It was like I was falling down the rabbit hole. Once I fell, the world just became a blurry world of drunk. I was functioning on my most primal levels.

Flirting soon became kissing, then an invitation back to my place was extended and accepted. I knew what I was doing, but the details were gone. Once I was in my place with him, a familiar situation, all memories disappeared.

I woke up with a start the next morning. I had to be at a funeral. A couple of days prior there was a death in my extended family. Crap. The headache I was feeling was tremendous. I laid awake looking at my friend. My stirring woke him up and we both just looked at each other. I suppose had I not been I such a hurry to kick him out of my bed to get ready for this funeral, it could have been more awkward. But, I didn’t have time for awkward. I had to get my ass in gear.

On the way to the funeral, I discovered that I was probably still a little drunk. I will admit that I was not very proud of myself at that moment in time, but again, I didn’t have time to condemn myself. Inside the church, I had to pull myself together and greet my parents and friends. My best friend and her boyfriend immediately called me out, telling me that I was exuding the smell of liquor. Great!!

The funeral began and so did the pounding in my head. Waves of naseau came and went. There was a battle between my hangover and my shameover for my stomach. Both, made me want to puke. Neither would go away. After the funeral, I quickly escaped the afternoon obligations. I needed McDonald’s fountain diet coke more than I had needed anything before in my life. After housing a 6 piece mcnugget and a large diet coke, I was feeling more like a human. I decided to man up and call my friend/lover/what?

Of course, he didn’t answer. I left him a painfully awkward message, I needed to figure out what the hell he was thinking. I needed us to be ok. Were we back together? Does sleeping with him mean that we were more than just friends? I had never had a casual relationship, and this was more than my simple brain could handle.

He called me back. I answered and I asked if we were ok. He replied of course. I never came right out and asked him what we were, but I left it at we were ok?? What?!?!

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