It was NYE and I was doing battle with myself. My shame and my stomach were against me. I had spoken with my friend, but nothing was really resolved? I decided to resolve it myself. We were friends, nothing more. I could be an adult and pretend that the night before hadn’t happened right? Crap, I don’t think I had grown up that much in a day. Stupid holiday blues. Now I had to decide how I was going to spend my NYE.
My original plan was to spend it with my fabulous single gal pal hitting up the town, unfortunately, she was called back home to MI for a family emergency. So, now I had two choices, do I stay at home and go to sleep early having nursed my hangover, or to I go to the bar of shame. (While everyone reading this, and even as I write this, I SCREAM… no, don’t go to the bar. It’s like in a horror film when the lovely blonde opens the creaky bedroom door alone… insert scream here!!)
I put my party outfit on, and headed out for NYE. I spotted my friend and we made friendly eye contact, nothing more. I knew I still was unclear about our situation, I was confused, but I was going to keep it simple. There was absolutely no chance in hell of me getting drunk that night as I had just gotten over my hangover about 7 minutes before we had left for the bar, so I knew that I would at least have my sensibilities about me.
Midnight came and I sat with my roommate who was chatting up a gaggle of gentleman. She got a smack on the lips from one of them and I sat there content that I could handle the smell of beer without wanting to throw up. About five minutes later, my friend walked over and gave me a very chasted kiss on the lips wishing me a happy new year. Was my swoon noticeable? I sure hope not. He left to hang out with his friends, at his bar and I sat enjoying the atmosphere.
When the bar closed, people began filing out. My friend stopped me at the door and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends. It seemed very innocent, just friends. I could handle that, and we did just that. We hung out, all night. The group of us listened to music, we chatted, we laughed, sometimes we even danced. With each morning hour that passed, the group thinned. At 5 am there was only four of us left, a married couple and my friend and I. He and I at some point between 4 and 5am had moved closer to each other so just our sides were occasionally brushing up against each other. Between 5 am and 6 am, he had his arm around me, and was innocently kissing me on the lips every once in a while.
I looked up at him, while he had his arm around me, and told him that I wasn’t just using him for sex, as he had jokingly said earlier in the evening. He looked down at me with the most sincere eyes and said, “I know, after what you said last night, I know.”
Ummmmmm… What the hell did I say the night before. Once I had him in my bedroom last night, all memories ceased. (this was not inner monologue, I actually said that outloud.) He looked at me and seriously thought I was kidding. He asked me if I truly didn’t remember. I didn’t. He paused, and told me that I had told him that I loved him…
Huh!?! Ummm, were my ears burning, had I heard that correctly? Could my drunk self had known something that I didn’t know? Could my drunk self have betrayed my sober self so badly. Holy crap, was I the crazy drunk girl who told guys that she loved them? I reacted poorly. I got angry. Not at him, but at me. I then asked, and what did you do then? He leaned in, close to my ear, and said, “I don’t know where we go from here and its taken me a while to get here, but I do know that I love you,” He continued, “I will always have a place in my heart for you.”
He was telling me that he loved me, but somehow it was coming out in the past tense. This was too much. WTF? I was angry. I was angry at myself for loosing control the night before, I was angry at myself for loosing control with him, and lastly I was angry at myself for getting caught up in this mess.
His friends finally left, and I was ready to leave myself. I was running on practically 24 hours without sleep and I had done battles with some pretty big demons that day. I was exhausted, and pissed off. I couldn’t process this. As we walked out to the car, he stopped me, and asked me what was wrong. Was he kidding, what was wrong?!?!?! My inability to filter came into play and I just started babbling about how pissed off I was at myself. He asked me if I wanted to talk about all of this, I said yes, but not then, we drove to his place and went to sleep. I wish I had dreamt the past two days.