Saturday, January 2, 2010

Casual + ME = ??

So, could I deal with a man who was going through a divorce? Well, he made me feel good, and he liked me. It had been a really long time since someone had liked me. Could I handle this? Ehhh… it felt so good. It was so wrong, this was so wrong, he wasn’t right for me. He couldn’t be my night in shining armor, but it felt so good. He was older, he had been married, and I liked the guy?

We started dating. I set up some boundaries, like we couldn’t get incredibly serious. I didn’t want to be called his girlfriend, and I didn’t to be serious, I didn’t want to fall in love with him. I realized I would probably be his rebound girl, but I was sure going to have fun while filling that role, right?

His bar was fabulous. It was where we would sit in the corner and exchange sarcastic comments about his customers and workers. We would share pints and wit and at the end of the night we would share the most amazing kisses. One night, not long into the relationship, while sharing wit and pints, I forgot just how many pints I had shared. Reality has it, that apparently, after several drinks, I get frisky. This night we didn’t stop at the porch, we didn’t stop at all. I invited him up.

We got to the bedroom and the chemistry didn’t stop at kissing. He was amazing. I had never had better and I wanted more. How had I missed out on something like that for so long? Where had this man been? (oh right married!) I wanted more.

This was new though. We were in a relationship, but we weren’t dating. Upon my insistence he wasn’t my boyfriend. I had created a casual relationship which left me in a great deal of confusion. How do I act when you are just seeing a guy? Do I wait for him to call me, how often should he be calling me? Do we go on dates? This was confusing, a casual relationship, with the most amazing sex of my life.

Things got more confusing as the weeks past. He would call me back infrequently, and untimely. We went on less dates, actually we didn’t go on any dates. We rarely hung out anywhere but his bar, and without drinks. Rarely did we ever hang out alone.  I began feeling like he wasn’t as interested in me anymore. Sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring felt incredibly pathetic. The sex was great, but it wasn’t a relationship.

I realized that he and I rarely talked about things that mattered. We spent most of our time shooting the shit over a couple of pints. I was his rebound girl, and it felt like crap. How lonely was I, how long could I be the reboundee? I was just sex, and it felt good for the time being, but no longer. I didn’t want casual anymore. I didn’t want to be his rebound. Oh crap… how was I going to dump a guy who never answered his phone?  It was my fault, I had told him that we couldn't be serious.  CRAP!!

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